Archive for May, 2011


Tribulation is a jack Van Impe Joint from 2000. Starring Gary Busey as the dude who finds God after the rapture. Bowie Mandela plays a mentally insane man who becomes possessed by Satan. Margot Kidder is also in it. I think at some point, she must have quit because she’s only in the first act.

The movie is full of craziness like the all seeing Masonic eye on the back of the dollar bill that is the logo of One Nation(,) Earth, the Lucifer led new world order (I wonder if the purveyors of World Net Daily see any irony in the name) that enslaves the world in a humanistic nightmare, marking followers with a 666. Busey navigates this dystopia to save the resistance. The resistance uses pirated satellites to (I’m not making this up) broadcast old video recordings of Jack Van Impe predicting, apologies, quoting the Biblical predictions of the tribulation. The devil has a council. That hunts the unconverted like Joe Estevez in Soultaker.

The movie is sheer madness. I want some of the pills that allow these folks to find this stuff in the Bible. Jack Van Impe is a sweet, insane old man who is surely guilty of vanity, hubris and tempting God.

I know you’re asking yourself why you haven’t seen this movie. I’m not sure the answer to that, but I know you should see it.

I have been watching too much Doctor Who. Is this Beatles song about the show?

Ok, I was listening to Beatles this evening with JT, showing him how a number of their songs use call and response/question and answer as the format for the lyrics.  After listening to what I think might actually be my favourite song, “Hey Bulldog” (my high school mascot was the bulldog. I never could get them to use the lead guitar part to introduce basketball games. Then the school consolidated with the county, who, up until then, had been our arch enemy. karma.).  Then “It’s all too much” came on.  While it’s true I’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who, this song struck me as very likely inspired, in part, by the Doctor.

Caution: Research ahead

That caution should really have been for me, I guess, cause there’s not a lot to say other than this:  I know the phrase, “Bigger on the inside” has been around for a long time.  I don’t know how long.  Doctor Who premiered in 1963.  The show is British, George Harrison lived in Britain in the 1960s.  Therefore, what I suggest below is plausible.

The first verse asserts, “The more I go inside/The more there is to see.”  I suppose this could refer to sex, vaginas, and the like, but I prefer to think it refers to the TARDIS, which is “bigger on the inside.”

I think this point is especially cogent given the second verse: “Floating down the stream of time/of life to life with me/
Makes no difference where you are/or where you’d like to be.”  Obviously, the TARDIS floats down the stream of time, often without the Doctor’s knowledge or consent.

The next verse offers even more evidence: “Sail me on a silver sun/ for I know that I’m free/Show me that I’m everywhere, and get me home for tea.”  I can find no evidence that the Doctor ever sailed to a silver sun, but that is something he surely might do.  There’s also an Australian show about space travel called Silversun, though it is from 2004.  Maybe the Beatles had a TARDIS.

UPDATE: Yellow submarine is a TARDIS.  It’s at the very bottom.  You’ll want to read some of the entries on the way there.  The plot certainly seems reminiscent of Doctor Who.

My Best Friend is a Vampire

My Best Friend is a Vampire is your standard, boilerplate 80s monster comedy.  You’ve got your awkward teenager (House‘s Robert Sean Leonard), his Stiles-esque sidekick (Evan Mirand), the alternative chick (Cheryl Pollack), the parents who think their son is gay (they’re relieved to learn he’s a vampire), etc, etc, etc.  The movie also throws in an obsessed scientist type ala Dr. Doofenshmertz, and played by Tron‘s David Warner.  It’s chapter and verse TeenWolf meets Fright Night.

Like all vampire comedies, it is not in the least funny.  (not even a menstrual blood throwaway joke. Poor.  Poor.) It’s a fairly amiable film though, and, apart from it’s obvious similarities to other entries in the genre, it reminded quite a bit of the Christopher Moore vampire trilogy.  The theme song sounded like Ducktales, also.

There’s really not much more to say. RSL gets turned into a vampire by a hot vampire chick (he’s the main character so the title should really be I’m a Vampire with a Horndog Sidekick), he learns to be a vampire from another vampire dude, he embraces his vampirism, and he uses his new found powers to defeat the scientist and get the girl.  No basketball here.

Pretty standard.

Pop goes the Sci Fi/Fantasy

Watching My Best Friend is a Vampire (review to follow) this morning, I got to thinking about the role of sci-fi/monsters/fantasy in popular culture.  The teen horror/scifi comedy has gone the way of the Tasmanian wolf.  While we have SotD, there’s really no analog to TeenWolf, Fright Night, MBFiaV, etc.  There’s not even a SotD exception for Zapped!, Weird Science, or Real Genius.  Everything is drama these days.  Is Scott Pilgrim scifi?

However, scifi/horror is making its way into literary fiction in a big way.  I forgot to blog this article in the Journal, but I haven’t seen it posted on io9, so I’m still a bit ahead.  It’s a really good article about how labels divide us.

FAQs About Time Travel turns up cool stuff

Watching some Doctor Who with the ninth doctor and trying to find some connections in FAQs About Time Travel, the first region 2 DVD I bought, I found what I think is some fan art for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  I’m trying to confirm that, because, if there’s an episode with this in it, I’m even more down.  I’ve only watched the first three episodes and I’m not fully impressed.

UPDATE: Is this a meme?

Is it?  Doctor Whoove.

Zombiethon: Let the flames of Hell begin, the fire without, the fire within

This morning, early, I got a text from an unknown, 5 digit number alerting me to the existence and streaming availability of Zombiethon.  I figured it must be a text from my future self, in a world where texts come from 5 digit numbers.  It didn’t take my long to realize it came from Skype, though there are apparently many people who have yet to figure it out.  (Seriously, check out some of the cluelessness at that link)  Zombiethon essentially cuts out the middle man of zombie satisfaction.  It’s a compilation of scenes mostly featuring cheesy zombies attacking nude or nearly nude women.  There are even some Nazi zombies (actually, still watching it, there are several vignettes featuring Nazis).  Imagine if Kentucky Fried Movie were all about zombies.

It’s definitely worth checking out, if you like zombies and boobies.  I can’t think why anyone wouldn’t like those two things.

This review gives some additional context.  I knew I’d heard about the shark/zombie scene somewhere.

Where’s Jesus?

I’ve been playing a game called “Where’s Jesus” on my phone (yes,it’s an iPhone, please don’t let’s make a thing of it). Apart from literally being exponentially more difficult than Where’s Waldo (though I suppose belief in Waldo won’t get you into heaven, so why shouldn’t it be hard? Twss) as some of the people are so well hidden, ive only ever found them by tapping at random, it’s vision of the bible is nigh impenetrable. There are seven bible buddies consisting of Jesus, Mary, a lion, a lamb, Moses, and David, of David and Goliath fame. Not only does the appearance of these bible characters together make no sense, it renders any scene utterly meaningless, which all of the levels are. There’s one where some people fish, another with some trees. The only way it might make sense is if they were on the Forrest moon of endor and the ghosts of Dave and Moses looked down on the victory dance.



Ticksters are hipster vampires.  They are identified by a deep knowledge of the minutiae of vampire mythology, especially when most of it is bullshit.  They often form ironically gothic bands.  They are known as ticksters because they latch on to a girlfriend often an older woman, sponging blood and money until they either pop or the girlfriend burns them off by opening the curtains as the tickster sleeps on the couch all day.

Globin goblin: A globin goblin is plasma intolerant.  Plasma is the lactose of the vampire world.  These vampires hangout near blood banks and homeless shelters where they can feed on folks who have just sold their plasma.  They feed on hemoglobin, hence the name.

Where Tron: Legacy, should have started

If there’s one good thing to come out of all those billboards hailing the return of Jesus (other than making the fundies look silly, even if they didn’t follow that Camper van Beethoven guy) it’s that I had an epiphany as to where Tron: Legacy should have started.

You ready for this? It should have started in the computer.  Soon after Flynn left the first time, Tron began ramping up anticipation that he would soon return to connect all the programs everywhere on a giant grid called the web of knowledge or somesuch.  In all the ensuing microcycles, which, over 28 years, is like thousands of years in program time, Flynn has become a Howard Hughes-esque recluse and one day, as he’s doing recluse stuff, he stumbles upon the portal into the grid, no one believes he has returned, as he’s old an crazy, but he can still work miracles.  Tron, who has consolidated power and who still offers hope that the programs will one day hop off the lousy mainframe and onto the web of knowledge, feels threatened by Flynn.  In the real world, Flynn’s estranged son (estranged because, you know, Flynn was crazy) goes looking for his vanished dad, stumbles into the game grid where he’s hailed as the second coming and leads the programs into the promised land of the web.  circle of life, yadda yadda yadda

Priest review

I went to see Priest this evening, I didn’t want to, I felt I owed it to them (sorry wrong movie).  It was not so much bad as just kind of blah.  I don’t know when it happened that fight scenes were filmed in closeup, but it messes up everything.  I don’t want to see a simulacrum or a suggestion of a fight scene, I want the camera pulled back so I can see some ass kicking. The fight scenes in this movie were epically bad, which is the only epic thing about this movie.  Even the “I’ll be back” lines were kind of just a letdown.

The rip offs of spaghetti westerns and an extended riff on The Searchers were kind of fun.  I kept saying that line from the queue of The Great Movie Ride, “No you don’t, Ethan, no you don’t!”  The daughter is not in danger of becoming an Indian, but a vampire.  There are less developed references to Once Upon a Time in the West and the Man with No Name trilogy, mostly in the form of the train and Clint Eastwood’s hat.

I also think the eyeless, white vampires took a page from Lair of the White Worm.

I did finally figure out, with some help, that The Big Lebowski is a giant riff on The Big Sleep, which is my favorite movie where I don’t understand anything that’s going on.  The scenes in the two bookstores in TBS are two of my favorite in movies

The big question everyone is asking, though, is there any connection between the vampires and the Eucharist in a movie called Priest which is about vampire fighting priests?  No, no there isn’t.  My streak continues.  I’m going to Detroit.  Not.  Though I’m Catholic, I prefer a Preacher to a priest.